House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

It is the year October 30th, 1977 and four teenage kids are trying to write a book on offbeat roadside attractions.
They meet up at a stationary hosted run by a weird clown named Captain Spaulding (Sid Haig) as he has a ride there of a museum about the legend of Dr. Satan.
They try to look for this legend afterwards and pick up a female hitchiker named Baby Firefly (Sherri Moon) whom is heading home and says that the legend where Dr. Satan was hung from a tree is by her house.
Someone shoots the tire of the car but Baby says that her brother is a tow truck driver so they all stay at Baby's home while they wait for their car to get fixed.
They encounter her bizarre family whom tries to entertain them hosted by Mother Firefly (Karen Black) while Sherri and her brother Otis (Bill Moseley) have kidnapped 5 cheerleaders as they slowly kill them by raping and torturing them in another room. They are announced on the news as missing people.
Then suddenly, the kids are trapped there while the Firefly family tortures them and slowly kills them each at a time by playing their sick little games with them like they did with the cheerleaders and hundreds of other people they kept dead in their house.

I was itching for this film to be released when I found out that it was made by shock rocker Rob Zombie and was upset that Universal dropped it as when I saw a theatrical trailer for it.
The film looked like that it was going to be an awesome ride. Then Lions Gate Films picked it up.
However, a couple people warned me that it wasn't as good as it might have seemed. I still went to the theatre's to watch it and boy were they right.
At first the film looked a little exciting when the teens were driving on a stormy night before Halloween when they were on their way to a terrifying realistic nightmare but it drops dead after that as there's nothing new afterwards.
Of course, Zombie was trying to make his version of Texas Chainsaw Massacre but it just flopped like a pancake.
To some people this was considered a cult classic but to many other it was classic trash and I'm one of them who agrees to that.

The acting is very well done by these actors surprisingly. Sid Haig really stands out with his dynamic performance as an evil clown named Captain Spaulding as he brings humor and terror to the set both making it very realistic like.
It's also nice to see Karen Black back in a mainstream film again as her role is so goofy but still well performed as I always found her fairly talented lady.
Sherri Moon (Rob's wife and concert performer) is another one like Sid who steals the film with her outrageous performance as the nutty Baby Firefly. You just want to kill her she is so bratty, slutty and evil.
We also have horror icon Bill Moseley whom we all remember as Chop Top in Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and his role in this film as the demented Otis is very similar to that character but his role is alot darker than goofy like and very nasty too. Good job Bill.
After a long absense we have a special appearance in the beginning of the film with Bonnie & Clyde supporting superstar actor Michael J. Pollard as I always wondered whatever happened to him. My guess is that he retired from acting and does it now and then whenever he's in the mood for it.

There's a porn magazine with a model exposing her breasts.
There is a bit of nudity with a female dancer in the opening.
There's a brief breast shot by Sherri Moon during a flashback sequence.
There are some clips of other nude dancers too.

I cannot see why Universal was so upset for releasing this film due to the gore and dropped it as its no different than most of those gory films out today.
I mean George A Romero has more gore in his zombie flicks.
A robber is shot in the head.
There's a gruesome opening.
Scenes of cannibalism during a Dr. Satan ride.
A man is burned during a flashback sequence.
A dweeby looking teenage kid is slaughtered and turned into a display.
Theres a dead naked corpse in the back trunk of a car.
A face is torn off a corpse and then is worn.
A girl in a rabbit suit is bloodily stabbed.
Someone is bloodily tortured to death with operating machines.

Rob Zombie's directing saved this film from bombing as he proves himself worthy as a director than just a shock rocker.
He coached the actors and scenes extremely well for a weakened plot during the middle of the film as he makes you cringe with his work of the kids slowly being tortured and mamed before they are slowly killed.
He also shows a terrific scene when Sherri's character baby is killing a girl dressed as a rabbit in their own graveyard and has that unforgettable cackly laughter which really stands out in the film.
The only criticism was that when Bill Moseley and Walton Goggins perform their scene together when Bill points a gun to his head it takes almost 4 minutes before he blows his head off but again I think that was Rob's intention.

Rob Zombie is terrific with his composing and its none of that typical classical music.
He has guitar playing, heavy bass riffs, heavy organ playing and thumping sounds too. Hail Zombie!

Of course we get a bitchin soundtrack by Rob Zombie as well as some other artists like retro and oldie groups such as the Commodores, Helen Kane, Slim Whitman, The Ramones and Buck Owens.

Stucky: [shows a topless autographed photo of June Wilkinson] Shit, I can't do nothing with this now. I can't get rid of this. It ain't worth nothing. My name's all over it. I was gonna fix it to trade it with Jackie Cobb.
Captain Spaulding: That retard who hangs out at Molly's fruit stand? For the lot of me, I do not understand why you hang out with that asshole.
Stucky: He's one horney retard.
Captain Spaulding: Well hell, arn't they all? All they want to do is eat and fuck.
Stucky: Well, if you knew him better you might understand his urges.
Captain Spaulding: Worse than a rabid-ass baboon.
Stucky: You know what his favorite thing is next to whacking his weasel? He takes a sharpened pencil, sticks it in his eyeball and twists it.
Captain Spaulding: What?
Stucky: He doesn't hurt himself. He kind of twists it next to his eyeball.
Captain Spaulding: Oh, he's been putting that pencil someplace other than his eyeball.
Stucky: Oh no, he don't do anything like that. Although one time, he got caught with a Planet of the Apes doll stuck up his asshole.
Captain Spaulding: [laughing] God damn!
Stucky: They had to take him to the hospital. The kid had Dr. Zaius stuck halfway up his butt and they couldn't get it out!

[two masked holdup men break into Captain Spaudling's place to rob it]
Captain Spaulding: Mary fuckin' Moses! Ya' all get the fuck outa here!
Killer Karl: Hands up! Keep your paws where I can see 'em.
Richard Wick: Yeah, d-don't move or I'll b-blast a hole the size of a k-Kansas City watermelon through your ugly-ass b-bozo face.
Captain Spaulding: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Captain Spaulding: You miserable motherfucker, I ought to leap over this counter and bash your fuckin' balls in.
Killer Karl: All right, Tippy, hand over the cash box and I might leave your brains inside your skull.
Captain Spaulding: Well, I'll tell you what, Ski King, why don't you just take your Mama home some chicken and then I won't have to stuff my boot all up in ya ass.
Killer Karl: I don't like chicken. And, I hate clowns.

Killer Karl: That is it! I'm gonna count to ten and you're gonna hand over all the cash, or I'm gonna splatter your grease paint mug across the state line! One...
Captain Spaulding: Fuck yo mama!
Killer Karl: Two...
Captain Spaulding: Fuck yo sister!
Killer Karl: Three...
Captain Spaulding: Fuck yo grandma!

Stucky: Hey, I know you. You work down at the hardware store. Richard Wick right? All the guys make fun out of you. They call you 'Little Dick Wick.' They even sing a song about you.
Richard Wick: Shut your trap.
Stucky: [sing-song] 'Little Dick Wick, played with his prick, don't his smell just make you sick?'

Captain Spaulding: But MOST of all... fuck YOU!

Captain Spaulding: [after shooting Killer Karl] Goddamn, motherfucker got blood all over my best clown suit.

Jerry Goldsmith: Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey!

Captain Spaulding: Howdy Folks! You like blood? Violence? Freaks of nature? Well then, come on down to Captain Spaulding's Museum of Monsters and Mad-Men. See the Alligator Boy, ride my famous Murder Ride. Most of all, don't forget to take home some of my tasty fried chicken! Ha ha! It just tastes so damn good!

Dr. Wolfenstein: AHHAHHA! The doctor is in! Its your ghost host, with the most! It's Dr. Wolfenstein!

Captain Spaulding: Buddy, look around. Would I be surprised?

Grandpa Hugo: What are you, Jimmy Olsen, cub reporter for the Daily Asshole?

Captain Spaulding: I know what your problem is.
Bill Hudley: What's that?
Captain Spaulding: Ya'll think us folk from the country's real funny-like, dontcha?
Bill Hudley: Jerry...
Captain Spaulding: Yeah, well saddle up the mule, ma. Slide me some grits, I's got to get me some edu-cation, uh hu hu hu.
Bill Hudley: Jerry...
Captain Spaulding: You asshole!

Jerry Goldsmith: That was so badass! Dr. Satan! Ahhh! Dr. Satan!

Otis: [ranting to tied up cheerleaders] "Why", you ask? "Why" is not the question. How? Now, that is a question worth examining. How could I, being born of such, uh... conventional stock, arrive a leader of the rebellion? An escapist from a conformist world, destined to find happiness only in that which cannot be explained? I brought you here for a reason, but unfortunately you and your sentimental minds are doing me no good! My brain is frozen. Locked! I have to break free from this culture of mechanical reproductions and the thick encrustations dying on the surface!
[sees the girls aren't understanding]
Otis: Oh, Christ. Fuck it!

Otis: Boy, I bet you'd stick your head in fire if I told ya you could see Hell. Meanwhile, you're too stupid to realize you got a demon stickin' out your ass singing, "Holy Miss Moley,
[Whole family joins in]
Otis: Got me a live one."

Grandpa Hugo: I hate fucked up families.

Baby: Give me a "B", give me an "A", give me a "B" give me a "Y", What's that spell? What's that spell? WHAT'S THAT SPELL?

Mother: My baby boy gets shy around new people, but he'll warm up to you, especially the girls!
[laughs]
Mother: He's a real lady KILLER!

Baby: I'll fucking cut your tits off and shove 'em down your throat!

Otis: Better you leave here with your head still full of kitty cats and puppy dogs.

[Mary screams]
Otis: Shut your mouth!
[more screams]
Otis: I said, shut your fucking mouth!
[screams]
Otis: Listen, you Malibu middle class Barbie piece of shit, I'm tryin' to work here. Work? You ever work? Yeah, I'll bet you have. Scoopin' ice cream to your shit-heel friends on summer break. Well I ain't talkin' about no goddamn white socks with Mickey Mouse on one side and Donald Duck on the other. I ain't readin' no funny books, mama. Our bodies come and go but this blood... is forever.

Mary Knowles: Fuck you, you fucking freak.

Otis: I'm the one who brings the Christmas candy. Now tell me, who's your daddy? I'm the one who brings the devil's brandy.
Mother: Who's your daddy?
Otis: I'm the one who beats you when you're bad.
Baby: Who's your daddy?
Mother: Who's your daddy?
Otis: Come on, sweetie, give the old man some sugar.
Denise Willis: Daddy, Daddy.
Otis: And I'm the one who loves ya when you're fucking dead.

Otis: It's all true. The bogeyman is real and you found him.

Lt. George Wydell: [holds a photo of Denise] Have you seen this girl in the past 24 hours?
Captain Spaulding: Yeah, cute kid. Ain't my type though. You know, I like 'em with a little more meat on 'em. Ha ha. The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'.
Deputy Steve Naish: Come on clownie, just answer the damn questions. We ain't interested in your love life.
Captain Spaulding: Cut the crap Spaulding and get with the facts.

Deputy Steve Naish: What else happended?
Captain Spaulding: [getting angry and impatient] Nothin'. You ask me, those stupid kids probably got turned around ass backwards and got themselves lost.
Lt. George Wydell: Is that all? Now, I want you to think really hard.
[Spaulding scratches his head with his forefinger, mocking "thinking hard"]
Captain Spaulding: Well, I don't really know. You see, they wasn't in here long enough for me to get up close and personal with them like I do most of the other assholes that come wondering in here!

Deputy Steve Naish: You can shit ten bricks for all I care.

Baby: Hey, Poopy-pants. What's new?

Baby: We like to get fucked up, and do fucked up shit.

Baby: You know we like to get fucked up?
Gerry Ober: Yeah, I like to get fucked up too!
Baby: Yeah, I'll bet you do.

Baby: So, how much we owe you, Goober?
Gerry Ober: oh, that's supposed to be G. Ober, for Gerry Ober, but Karl went and put an extra "o" made it Goober. Fuckin' asshole
Baby: Great story, Goober, how much we owe you?
Gerry Ober: well, the damage is pretty severe. $185 dollars
Baby: That ain't gonna break my bank, hon. Here, keep the change. Go buy yourself a new name... Goober!

Otis: Oh, it's real all right. As real as I want it to be, Mama.

Mother: Otis! There's cops outside!
Grandpa Hugo: What? How many?
Otis: Oh, don't worry about it! How many were there?
Mother: I only saw one.
Otis: Fucking pigs always come in packs. Here take this go down stairs and play nice, I'll go around back and take control like I always fuckin' do!
[Grandpa Hugo flips Otis off]

Otis: Huntin' humans ain't nothin' but nothin'. They all run like scared little rabbits. Run, rabbit, run. Run, rabbit. Run, rabbit. Run rabbit. Run, rabbit, run! RUN, RABBIT, RUN!

Baby: There once was a woman who lived with her daughter in a cabbage garden; along came a rabbit and ate up all the cabbages; the woman said, "Go into the garden and drive out the rabbit."

[after stabbing a victim to death]
Baby: 'Shoo, shoo,' said the maiden.
[laughs maniacally]
Baby: 'Come, maiden,' said the rabbit, 'sit on my tail and go with me to my rabbit hutch.'

Skunk Ape Husband: I don't know where that Skunk Ape sleeps, but I do know that he had impure relations with my wife.
Skunk Ape Wife: That is true, he committed lewd acts upon me and my person.
Skunk Ape Husband: When I find him, I'm gonna kill that Skunk Ape!

Rufus 'R.J.' Firefly Jr.: [chanting with family] Otis! Otis! Otis!